Jonny’s best friend, Jude, taught him to conquer his fear of insects by pulling wings off flies — an act of discipline. You can gain strength through violence and with power and control, you can do anything. Jude’s uncle taught Jude to never back down, always look them in the eye and keep going till you’ve won.
Jude worked for his uncle, Ray Kreed, the biggest gangster in London. In the pub, Jude tells Jonny Ray’s the one singing. Karaoke always comes first. Jonny explains that because he works as a courier, he has access to credit cards. You can remove the cards and still deliver the packages intact. Jude vouches for Jonny, having known him twenty years. But, Jude must watch him.
Burdis hasn’t had an erection in four months. Before that, he and his wife, Kathy, were having sex three times a month. Dom still has sex three times a night after being with Maureen five years.
Ray is shushed on a film set. His fiancée, Sadie’s, kissing on camera. Ray’s angry because her screen kiss looked real. Her co-star, John, tries placating them, but Ray threatens to cut his face off. The director then interjects, but Ray says he’s fat and he’ll throw him in the river.
The shop assistant says the total is £4,225. Five of Ray’s firm present stolen credit cards. The machine says Burdis is “Miss Smith” and rejects the card. The assistant quickly grows hostile so Dom assaults him. Everyone takes their clothes and leaves. Jonny doubles back for the CCTV tape. Ray would’ve gotten fifteen years if Jonny hadn’t returned for the tape. Jonny’s on the firm.
Alan’s boasting that a knife isn’t effective against martial arts. He dares Jonny to stab him, so Jonny stabs him. Surrounded by laughter, Jonny apologises. Ray tells Burdis and Dom to remove a bleeding Alan. Outside, Dom says he’s booked Burdis an appointment at a sex clinic.
A driver owes Ray ÂŁ500, but he only has ÂŁ100. Ex-Special Forces, Bill, starts pounding at the window with his fist. Ray gets the others to watch. The window finally smashes and Bill pulls the man bodily out through it.
The sex doctor asks if Burdis gets an erection when he masturbates. He denies he masturbates and hits the doctor for using bad language in front of his wife. The doctor thought the impotence was due to stress. Maureen suggests Burdis and Kathy get kinky, using toys and food during sex.
Jude spots that a fruit machine doesn’t belong to his uncle and three others are missing. The remaining one looks like one of rival gangster, Sean’s, machines. Ray’s furious, but Sadie warns him against taking his gun, or he’ll get four years.
Ray bursts in to the pub. The fruit machine lies destroyed on the floor thanks to Jonny. Ray tells the bartender if he finds Sean’s machines in there again, he’ll destroy the pub. The bartender has an insult written on his forehead. Ray tells Jude to take Jonny and tell Sean not to put his machines on Ray’s plots.
Matthew and Trevor are guarding Sean. Jonny and Matthew stare at each other intensely, offering insults. Sean officially apologises to Ray. When Jonny speaks out of turn, Jude later reprimands him. As Ray’s nephew, Jude speaks on Ray’s behalf. Jonny stays quiet.
Sadie says she’s leaving the show. She wants to get married and move on. The director forbids it. Sadie says there’s nothing they can do.
Jude and Jonny overhear Matthew talking to Trevor about a car containing 2kg of cocaine. Trevor says you can drive a car away if you have to. Matthew says a car can be stolen, but you can’t steal a warehouse, it’s heavy and stuck to the ground.
For extra spice, Burdis is waiting for Kathy at home dressed in gas mask and full leather. A shocked Kathy hits him in the face. He calls her Honeyplums, but she hits him again.
Matthew’s angry Jonny vandalised his car and embarrassed him in front of his family. Now, Matthew wants to spread Jonny like margarine all over the street. Bill appears with a shotgun and Matthew leaves.
Dressed as oil sheiks, aiming to steal the diamonds required for Sadie’s wedding tiara, Dom tells Burdis he’s got Viagra. Soon, everyone in the car takes at least one pill each.
Jeweller, Whim Kloudermans confirms to Mark that he’s brought the Gagarin Pear diamond with him — worth £750,000. Ray and the others now all have obvious erections lifting their robes. Mark introduces Mr Kloudermans to Sheik Yakouri. Whim’s tied up and assaulted.
Jonny and Jude find the car containing the cocaine. Jonny shoots both men inside. He takes the cocaine and spray paints an insult on the back window.
People Sean’s supposed to be protecting have been killed and robbed. Ray asks Jonny if he nicked Sean’s powder. Jonny brazenly swears on his life he didn’t. Ray tells Bill to give Sean a case of champagne.
With his tail between his legs, Sean tells the Brixton lot he’ll punish those who killed their mates and gives them two kilos of his own cocaine.
Bill takes Alan and tells Sean that Ray wants peace. Sean didn’t appreciate the champagne. He knows the North side took the coke because of the insult left on the car window.
Sadie goes to John’s house since he fabricated News of the World photos of her. Dom and Burdis attack John and emphatically break his nose. Sadie warns John against trying it again.
Alan’s on all fours wearing a dog’s leash around his neck after having been force fed LSD. Using his foot, Sean pushes Alan’s face into a bowlful of dog food. Sean and his men all snap their Marigolds. Sean gives Matthew a toilet brush with which to worm Alan. Upstairs, Bill overpowers those around him and tears out one man’s neck with his teeth.
He climbs through his bindings and overpowers the three men with Alan. Bill and Alan dive out through the window. The South London lot run off. Bill and Alan are left bloodied, bruised and covered in glass on the driveway.
In the pre-designated car park, Ray asks Sean if he received the champagne. Sean says champagne bubbles go up his nose, then asks about his coke. Ray asks in the strongest terms why he’d want Sean’s coke. Sean says he doesn’t like being insulted.
Separated by parked cars, Ray wants Sean to come to his side. Sean wants Ray to come to him. Tensions run high as each refuses to concede to the other. Matthew lights Sean’s cigarette and Jonny shouts “gun!” before opening fire. Sean returns fire. Dom and Bill start firing automatic weapons, as does Burdis.
Ray gets a machine gun and starts shooting and yelling provocatively. There’s a brief silence and the North side start laughing. Ray yells “fix bayonets!” and Sean’s men quickly drive away.
Matthew answers the door to Jonny, who hits Matthew to the floor and holds him at gunpoint. Jonny’s gun jams and he runs off. Matthew’s traumatised family watch a stunned Matthew.
Later, Matthew firebombs Ray’s car. Sean yells at Matthew that you never mess with people’s families, threatening to kill Matthew himself.
Jude tells his Uncle Ray Jonny’s uncontrollable, explaining about the recent attempted killing of Matthew. Jude doesn’t know what to do. The hospital doctor says Alan’s recently been stabbed, cut, force-fed LSD, burned and thrown out a window. When Alan says in a faint whisper that he’s in the wrong profession, everyone laughs.
Kathy blames cocaine for Burdis’s impotence. He promises to quit. She then finds a machine gun shell, as well as a selection of guns. Burdis says he found them. When Kathy says she’s pregnant, Burdis says he wants to leave the North side firm.
At Ray’s wedding, he mocks Fat Alan and casually assaults John. Matthew’s hiding in the bathroom with a gun. Jonny appears and Matthew says “Jonifer,” then starts shooting at him, taking pot-shots. Burdis is shot and killed. Kathy screams.
Later, Jonny’s lured to an undisclosed location. He arrives dressed as a clown. Jude’s Robin Hood. In a shadowy room, Ray has a turkey on his hand and tells Jonny he’s come as stuffing. Ray hits a laughing Jonny in the face. Jonny says Sean’s lying about the missing coke. Sean then appears.
Jonny never once thanked Jude for letting him into the family. In response, Jonny dragged Jude into more and more trouble, this -being his main aim all along. Jude blames Jonny for Burdis’s death. Matthew then also appears and whispers the name “Jonifer”.
Matthew’s given a gun and Jonny’s executed. Matthew hands the gun to Sean, who hands the gun to Ray. Matthew’s also quickly executed.
Jonny and Matthew’s blood drains down through the floor. Ray and Sean then discuss their favourite karaoke songs.
Starring Jude Law. Ray Winstone. Kathy Burke. Rated 18. Dir Dominic Anciano & Ray Burdis. Released in the UK 2000. Runtime 1hr 43mins
